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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24144157">Seeing red</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArthurFlecksGirl/pseuds/ArthurFlecksGirl'>ArthurFlecksGirl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Joker (2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Blood, F/M, Mental Illness, Mental Instability</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 18:35:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,622</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24144157</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArthurFlecksGirl/pseuds/ArthurFlecksGirl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This story takes place right after Arthur killed Randall and let Gary go.<br/>I guess the famous deleted bathtub scene would have taken place right between this and the stair dance. <br/>So I wrote this piece to figure out what might have been on Arthurs mind.<br/>Arthus point of view:</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Arthur Fleck/You</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Seeing red</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gary is out the door.<br/>I would say God bless him but I dont belive in God.<br/>I still hope I didnt traumatized him. He`s one of the nicest guys I know. THE nicest even. Letting him go was the only right thing to do. Even though I know that he is going to tell the cops what I just did. I mean, he has to, right? But that`s okay. I´m not going to deny anything. And I´m not even going to jail or Arkham state hospital. Because I´m going to kill myself tonight live on TV. So the only thing that is important right now, is to make it to the Murray Franklin show, before they find me. Thats the only escape plan there really is.<br/>I close the door and touch my chest. Randalls blood all over. The blood has to go away. I have to look decent tonight. Too bad my white face paint is runied, too.  Randall is all over my face, I can taste his blood on my lips. It tastes like lies.<br/>He was the wortst fake friend I ever had. He wasnt even that. I always knew that he wasnt my friend. I hated the way he called me "My boy". There was always this undertone to it. Like he wished me the worst.<br/>"You can pay me back some other time, you know you`re my boy"<br/>Yeah right. I payed you back, Randall. I just did.<br/>"To make sure our stories line up, because you`re my boy..."<br/>It was always a thread when he called me that. So obvious. He must have though I was stupid.<br/>I go to the bathroom and fill the bathtub with hot water while I check myself in the mirror.<br/>I can`t see Arthur anymore. I mean, I still feel him inside of me, but I can`t see him in the reflection of my eyes. The scared, little boy is gone. Maybe I need a new name. I know its my last day but I love the irony of getting a new name to kill of the old one. Its like killing myself BEFORE I actually kill myself.<br/>I stare at the mirror, focusing on the red spots all over my face ,trying to think of a name. It should make sense for my clown costume...... how did Murray call me on the show when he was making fun of me? A Joker? Yeah, I remember him saying "Check out this Joker" right before he made fun of me live on tv. The man I always looked up to. My father figure. My idol. Made fun of me in my fave show. The show that calmed me down when I suffered from anxiety. The show that gave me comfort when I was sick. Watching the Murray Franklin show with my mum was the only idea of a family I had. It was like having mum and dad around. But turned out that she wasnt my mum. And he isnt my dad of course, even worse, he doesnt even like my jokes. Why did he even invited me on the show tonight? It must be for the wrong reasons, I just know it. He just wants to make fun of me one more time. But I won`t let him do that. The joke will be on him when his guest commits suicide while being interviewed. I can`t wait to make the Knock Knock joke. Putting the gun to my throath. I will have a look at Murrays face right before I pull the trigger. He should know what he has done to me. Ripping my heart out like that.<br/>I turn off the water , take off my pants and underwear and get in the bathtub. Randalls body lying there on the floor shouldnt be a problem. I will be dead untill they find him. So I dont have to worry about that. <br/>I lie down in the water. This time I won`t play the game of how long I can keep my head under water until I start to hallucinate and my lungs start to hurt. Today  I have to make sure I will make it out of this bathtub alive. Otherwise I will miss my chance to die live on tv. Too bad I will not be able to see peoples faces. I would love to see their reactions. Will there be laughter and applouse?  Maybe.... <br/>People are unpredictable. You never know.<br/>Maybe they think its part of my act....<br/>Maybe they actually think a dead sad clown is funny.<br/>Comedy is subjective.<br/>And a dead clown with a wide smile painted on his face is funny, I have to admit.<br/>Maybe thats the only way to make Murray laugh.<br/>I imagin the spotlights hitting my face after I shot myself.<br/>I close my eyes, washing off the blood with my left hand.<br/>The water turns pink immediately.<br/>Knock knock.<br/>Wait what was that? Someone just knocked at my door.<br/>This isnt possible. The cops cant be this fast.<br/>I try not to make a sound. Not now. I have to make it to the show.<br/>"Hey Arthur" Let me in"<br/>Its RANDALLS voice. Thats not possible.<br/>"Let me in, you know you`re my BOY"<br/>I rub his blood off my hands and arms.<br/>The water turns darker with every second.<br/>"Randall. Fuck off. I know you`re not there. I`m just bathing in your blood!"<br/>"Arthur, pal! C`mon, we could go down to the city hall."<br/>"GO AWAY! YOU`RE NOT EVEN REAL"<br/>I rub his blood off my other arm. It won`t come off easily on my fingernails.<br/>"You still owe me for that gun" Randalls voice echoes inside of my head. Knocking against the door.<br/>"I don`t OWE you anything. You`re lying on the floor with a broken scull ,you fucking bully!"<br/>I realize that I am yellig and I shouldnt do that because the neighbors might hear something. But on the other hand.... i don`t care about anything anymore. Maybe I will make it to the show. Maybe not. </p><p>Finally most of the blood comes off.<br/>Randalls voice is gone as I open my eyes again.<br/>I know I didnt wanted to drown my head under water this time but I cant resist.<br/>The green hair dye mixes with the blood as I lay flat on my back, holding my breath until my lungs feel like they`re about to explode. I love the feeling of being close to death but still having the power to NOT cross the line. It makes me feel alive. I know that I could fail anytime but thats the thrill of it. Right?<br/>There is a slight pressure on my ears as the music stops. The music that always plays in my head. It usually stops when I am under water. Its so calm and quiet.<br/>But suddenly a voice is interrupting the calmness.<br/>"Happy, do you really think you can do this?"<br/>Penny.<br/>"Do you really think this is funny? Because its not. You`ve never been funny and you`ll never will be."<br/>I cant answer her, because I am still under water.<br/>"Did you hear me, Happy? Kiling yourself live on TV isnt funny."<br/>My mind is playing tricks on me again. I know she can`t be here. <br/>"Suffocating me with that pillow wasnt funny eighter, my son"<br/>My son?<br/>Lying to me all my life wasnt funny.<br/>I sit up, gasping for air as I feel my lungs can`t take it anymore.<br/>"You know what wasnt funny, Ma? Calling me Happy all my life, knowing that I didnt even knew what happiness feels like!" I scream.<br/>I could swear that tears are running down my face, but its probaby just water mixed with Randalls blood.<br/>Its hard to breathe. Not only because my lungs still hurt, but because I realize I have to hurry if I want to make it to the Murray Franklin show before the cops are here.<br/>The next one knocking at my door will not be an illusion.<br/>I get out of the bathtub and make sure that I am clean. <br/>I whipe the last traces of Randall away.<br/>Who would have thought that this small, sad clown would finally fight back?<br/>Radall always said I look as weak as a child. <br/>I guess I wasnt to weak to bang your head against the wall about 11 times before I heard your skull break, Randall. Huh?<br/>I get in my clothes.<br/>Putting on my make up for the last time feels special.<br/>I´m humming while I paint my wide smile and the blue around my eyes.<br/>My blood will mess it all up again after I pulled the trigger but I guess the red will mix with the red of my lipstick. It will be one red mess. Its my fave color. I will look just fine on camera.<br/>Its the first time I am wearing the red suit. <br/>I feel sexy.<br/>I get my gun and check if its loaded. <br/>Doing my little dance in front of the mirror.<br/>Everything has to be perfect on camera.<br/>I will be remembered as a good dancer.<br/>I check my moves in the mirror.<br/>Thats good Arthur, thats real good.<br/>I saved the suit for a special occasion.<br/>And what could be more special than the last time poeple get to see you?<br/>Well.... its the FIRST time people will SEE me.<br/>My last time will be my first time being noticed.<br/>If this isnt perfect comedy, then I dont know.</p>
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